blog
There is not a schedule for new posts.
4/19/24
I don't know if what happened last night was a "mental breakdown" or something, but it just wouldn't stop. Like I literally just hid in my closet for a while doing nothing. But I hurt really bad inside. People go through harder things, though. So am I being selfish?
4/12/24
You ever remember something really embarrasing that you did as a kid? And when your family remembers it, you just beg them to stop bringing it up, but they won't. So now you live in this constant state of fear that someone in your family is going to tell the entire high scchool about that said embarassing thing? Yeah. Me too. There are alot of things right now that are putting on the edge, and this is one of the more major ones. People will see me as a weirdo, even though they might already. I heard some kids behind me two days ago during class saying that I didn't look real. What the hell does that mean? My parents are saying that they are spending 150 dollars an hour for my therapy, but I think that I'm only getting worse. So I asked them if they could stop paying for me having a therapist, but they just won't. Probably because they don't know what else to do. They probably don't want to deal with me, so they are paying someone else big money just so that I can tell them my feelings, so that they can later give me a schedule to go by every day that "suits me". THAT IS JUST CALLED MOTHERFUCKING LIFE. I already get everything that I am supposed to do, everything that I have done that is wrong, and what I am doing that is wrong. But my parents think that something is wrong with me, and since they just don't understand what it is, they are paying someone else to do it. If I disappear someday very soon, they will be distraught, depressed, and probably never be the same. Anytime that I am brought up in a conversation as a joke or something, they will probably will only get even sadder. But at least there is one less child off of their paycheck, and less problems for me too. I won't have to worry about embarassment in class, or messing up on a part of music in band, or even have to think about worrying about that song that I've been practicing on the piano for like a WEEK, because I'll be GONE! It makes so much sense to do that instead, but any time I mention something to do with suicide, they always tell me the same thing. "That is the most selfish thing someone could ever do". I swear to the big G in the sky, it's like they are reading from a fucking script. Like when they were giving birth to me they were writing down on a piece of paper what to do when their infant becomes the worst thing that they could ever fucking deal with. Maybe I just don't understand. Maybe it's all just me, and I'm just overreacting, or something. This blog is very nice to rant to.
3/25/24
Its currently 01:43, and a few days ago I got a haircut. I wish it stayed longer, but I'm fine either way. I'm staring to remember me wanting to have Nate's haircut from Yo-Kai Watch as a kid, but now I am more for Kuroto's from Senko-san. Weird, but I've always just liked those styles.
3/22/24
Same day, different time. Its 10:38 now and I'm in 2nd period. I just left the homeroom after talking to some people that knew me in Elementary school, and they started telling me things that my sisters say about me. Things like "He never talks to us, he never leaves his room." Which, I guess, isn't wrong. But I didn't realize that I have been spending that much time in my room by myself. I don't often talk to other people in school but it was weird. They were asking me questions like where I was in freshman year, why I always get grounded for a long time, and if I'm okay. It did get quite annoying, since I mainly just wanted to stay there so that I could work on some assets, but I didn't tell them to stop, so thats my fault. I just don't understand why they would talk to me, especially since they are the "cool kids". That has never happened before, and they seemed so energetic. I think I might have told them too much about myself, and now I'm scared they are going to go around the school telling other people those things. It is friday, so if they do I have to wait until Monday to tell them that I didn't want that to happen. I probably should've just left, and avoided the whole conversation.
3/22/24
I am currently writing this at 1:26 in the morning. I just woke up after a nightmare (per usual), and started listening to my YouTube mix. While I was listening, I finally remembered why I have owned a Build-a-Bear for over 12 years. For the first time in, like, YEARS, I hugged it. It did feel a little bit awkward, but I think that it helped in some way, because I started crying. Thank you, M.
3/16/24
So I finished playing (watching) Omori for the first time, and wow what a trip. The final duet really put me to tears, which is hard to do for a game. I think that is the next song that I'll be practicing on the piano for a bit. The whole soundtrack is amazing, and I hope to see more in the future by similar artists. I related alot to the story, but I need to understand how to forgive myself too.
3/11/24
I went through all the photos and videos stored on the old family camcorder, including my personal GoPro that I got in 2015. Looking at all the videos I recorded during early-mid 2010's makes me feel sad, but I feel like I should be happy. Most of the people in the videos are not talking to me anymore, despite me spending most of my childhood with them. I know I screwed things up, and I know I can't fix them. I just wish I could tell everyone how sorry I am.
3/01/24
I have started working on filming and production of my little series. I have a semi idea of what it's going to be about, and I have started to work on how this is all going to work. Should make for a fun ARG that I hope at least 10 people will enjoy.
2/07/24
The first tag was put up in the J-Building boy's bathroom. Got away with it so far. Next tag will be in H-Building bathroom.
1/30/24
I put a new photo up on the photos tab. It's nothing special, I just decided to take a picture of my room in the hotel we were staying at. Nothing special has happened today.
1/29/24
I'm in 2nd period right now, andour teacher just said that some kid in 1st period called him an NPC like seven times. Roll in your bets, what type of kid do you think it was?
A: Counry faggot
B: E-boy that is not actually lonely
C: Wanna-be cool guy who is friends with people they actually can't stand.
I'm going with A, I think he probably got it from a YouTube Shorts or smth. Can't stand Shorts.1/26/24
Why would a school shooter ever give out the date of their shooting? If your going for kills then keep it to yourself. It's their fault if they didn't notice anything before hand.
1/23/24
The music player broke a while ago, but I have no intentions on fixing it yet. Sorry.
12/4/23
I have no way of uploading the video yet due to my self-restrictions. So it's obviously a little delayed. The music player is broken probably due to the file hosting service im using, which I will have to fix at some point to use dropbox. Cool =)
11/28/23
I edited a quick little video to upload to the vete channel last night, however I don't have any way to post it. It's not my choice either. I'll probably just end up plugging up the explosive laptop and use it.
11/27/23
I need a break from Discord and all forms of social media. I don't know when I'll be back but I'll be using this as my only form of communication to the internet I guess.
11/16/23
I created this thing. Haha. Nothing to say.